I come here troubled, because as much as I feel a part of the Anglican communion, I feel a separation, too, and wonder if I am wrong for trying to work through the separation. I came to the Church through unusual means: I was raised as a Oneness Pentecostal (with 'holiness' standards, speaking in tongues, etc), but found that faith to be fruitless and personally soul-destroying. I could not abide the Pentecostal god, and at the time I believed that to be the only one there. I left religion in entirety in my twenty-first year, and had no interest in it at all aside from disproving its wretched claims. The passing of time brought healing, and events in my own life began to create in me a spiritual awareness, which made me something of a misfit in the company of New Atheists which I then kept. Studying the Stoics, and then later Gandhi, opened me to the idea of deity: for the first time I began to understand Divinity as something more than an imaginary friend. Stoic practices were introduced to me as evidence based, but as I began to pursue them I felt as though my soul was conforming to greater order, and then had what might be called a mystical experience. I felt as though I had suddenly realized that while walking for some time, I had done so in the shadow of an enormous mountain, reaching so high into the heavens I could not begin to measure its greatness. I realized, in the experience, that I had been walking beside this mountain for quite some time, but the fog had only then parted to allow me to see it. I began craving a greater connection to what could only be called God. In the years which had been passing, I'd become uncomfortable about the ravages of modernity. Everything seemed to be in the process of being destroyed by a machine-ethos, which took every human thing and standardized it, homogenized it, removed it of its soul and turned it into a processed product. Sex became porn, food became junk, music became autotune, human connection became facebook pokes. I yearned for authentic human traditions, and felt most keenly the call of the Anglican church. Though Christianity was not properly my faith, I had been raised in it, and it was the faith of my ancestors for generations -- and my own initial touch with the divine had definitely been a "Christian" experience. It came while I was driving down the road, thinking about a friend who had betrayed me grievously, and working myself up into quite a righteously indignant huff over how horrible a person he was, and how terrible it was that someone like me, who strove to be moral and good, had tarried with him for so long. And then I realized, as though someone were whispering it into my ear, that I was as bad as him: the very sin I railed against him for committing, the abuse of people, was one I committed, too. But whereas he attacked people in public for public amusement, I attacked people in my head, being too vain and cautious to do it publically. I was not righteous, merely self-righteous. Had I his confidence, I, too, would have given voice to my sneering thoughts. For the first time in my life, I felt like a Sinner, and what I wanted more than anything was redemption. I wanted forgiveness for crimes of the heart, for words I had never said. Although it may sound lunacy, it is that yearning for redemption which gives me hope, for it makes me think I can be Christian, in some way. I want to be, but the idea of God being a man makes little sense to me, and I have zero interest in the afterlife. My relationship with Jesus is closer to that of a Buddhist with Siddhartha Gautama that of a Jew with YHWH. I seek to be in communion with God now, to find what is good and to protect it, restore it, cultivate it. Despite not having some of the core Christian beliefs, I have chosen to practice the Christian way of life. Perhaps that is backwards, but it is the best I can do at present. Perhaps there is a little hope for me -- as the Jews said, "we will do, and we will understand".
I think there is always hope. I have been where you are, with of course my own spin on it due to my life experience. It is okay to 'yes' and then to follow Jesus, and see what happens. The Pentacostal story is a lot more dramatic than the slow reclamation of life that trying to be a follow of Christ through faithful practice of prayer, attending church - being part of a liturgy, and simply 'going along' with what happens within church and parish life. Personally, I've been through a time when I asked God to kill me rather than have me continue to face what life had brought to me and my family, and wondered how God cannot be damning all of us via all the pain the world contains. You are right, in my view, with your condemnation of what the world and its selfish people do to potentially good things. I do not think you are loony with your yearning for hope. I'm there too. My take on the afterlife is that it will well take of itself, and that it is better to focus in love and charity elsewhere while on earth. It is okay to proceed in the Christian life as if afterlife exists or not, if you put Jesus as your model and guide. So although a new member myself, I say welcome to the journey. Do be a little thick skinned on this forum. There are some very strident voices that are prepared to tell how 'things really are' and to push agendas. I am no doubt doing the same thing I want to temper in others. I am hopeful for the development of a thoughtful community of diverse points of view, which can respectfully discuss issues where controversy exists. So I say welcome, and if your first post is any guide to your future posts, I am looking forward to learning and discussing and growing in discussion with you.
welcome perceval and blessings! you have walked an amazing path my friend, and i hope that you have found your home with our lord and savior. i would like to say that i too left the faith for a time and tried to be agnostic/atheist but the call was too strong and i found myself back in church. i too felt god's reality but wasnt quite sure of what to think of this guy jesus. i wasnt comfortable with thinking of him as god but was willing to think of him as a teacher and a prophet. what i found was that that was enough. god sent me great resources that showed me where i was wrong, showed me that as good a man and teacher as the buddha was (and i do believe he was good), christ was much more than buddha. books like c.s. lewis's "Mere Christianity" and deitrich bonhoeffer's "the cost of discipleship" and most importantly, the bible helped me to see that christ is indeed god incarnate. i believe that god can and will do the same for you my brother. again, i welcome you to our beautiful church and it is my sincerest prayer that he who has begun a good work in you will carry it on to its completion. i have every confidence that it will be his good pleasure to do so. god bless!
Thank you both for your kind welcome. Lowly Layman, I will follow those leads. I don't think I have heard of Bonhoeffer's work.
Welcome, Perceval! I myself see Christ enveloped in mystery. While I am actually an agnostic theist, I do not proclaim that or my own personal views very outwardly. To me, Christ is that very personage of which we can ourselves become - the whole point of Christian culture and life for me is divinisation, or theosis, of partaking in that divine nature that Christ himself offers for us through his example and personhood. I truly suggest that you visit an Anglican or Episcopalian Cathedral, and immerse yourself in the beauty of worship. Think, wrestle, argue with your mind. We should wrestle with God, like that of Jacob; doubt all things divine as Saint Thomas the Apostle; lose faith and run away from everything for a little bit, like Saint Peter the Apostle, and also behold Christ as our beloved and master, as Saint Mary of Magdala. To me, the mystery of the Incarnation is this: That Divine Perfection became mortal, so that our imperfect selves can become divinely perfected, like unto God. This anointed Messiah pointed us the way in which we can recover that inner divinity that is latent within us. Although we have partaken of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, the tree of agency, and fell from our inner divine nature as servants of the Lord - we can then partake of the tree of life, and taste its fruits of divinity. How can I do this? By loving every person, seeing every aspect of creation as a miracle of fusion and creativity. By doing good works, cultivating virtue, and trying to be like the Saviour. Conversion, in the true, theological sense of the word, is a life-long journey and path to limitless perfection, and I try to strive always to convert myself more and more to the heart of Jesus in my life with myself, and with others. Good luck with the journey! And I highly recommend "The Imitation of Christ" by the classic author, Thomas A Kempis. If there is any jewelled sutra of the Christian path and contemplation, it is with the pages of this book!
First of all, welcome, and thanks for sharing your journey. I like to read about people's different paths to Jesus. I would differ with you on being very concerned about the afterlife. I feel, hope, and believe that there must be a place where all the injustice, cruelty, and suffering of this life are made up for. And I want and hope to see those I love again. To me, this is the promise of the Gospel and Jesus' redemptive work -- the renewal and redemption of all creation, as written in Romans 8:18-23, a passage which means more to me personally than I can comment on here. I'm glad you found your way to us here. God bless you!