Can anyone give me an idea of good exercises spiritually to control lustful thoughts and desires? I'm always attracted to those eastern "Zen" type exercises where the master learns to break an entire tree trunk with his finger sort of thing, but in a Christian context. I take Risperidone and when the medicine is receding (I've recently had a change in the dosage) my testosterone increases, which also increases frustration, and lustful desires, which coupled causes me to want to 'act out' profusely to alleviate the anxiety, and only makes things worse, since my subconscious fears and worries get worse and magnified during this time. Coupled with the fact that my mind is infested with images of porn I've consumed over nearly twenty years, I want to be able to defeat it but some say my mind is reprobate. I feel double-minded, on one hand trying to justify my appetite, but on the other trying to remember that I can feel more balanced and clear-minded if I had a more spiritual focus. Some would say that's saying you feel your passions and God are on the same level, no different, but for me it's trying to remember to put my faith in the Lord and at least give him some room so as not to forget he's still the answer. I've been rather hypocritical in how I've conducted my behavior and management of my desires. For the most part I am separated from porn now and want to avoid it whenever possible. The closer I try to get to God, the more tension and fear I feel as I start thinking of harsh judgementalism, an rather than drive me away from my lusts, it draws me towards them for comfort, thinking God does not want to give me relief and feeling like he doesn't want me or has rejected me as a hellbound reprobate. I'd like to learn some self-control but now I'm taunted with thoughts that I don't have any fervor to truly repent, even in spite of my lukewarm guilt. Let me know what you can advise me. I avoid sensual entertainment and media to lessen the possibility that I will get enticed.
1) God knows that you are ill from the Risperedal withdrawal and judges accordingly. It's hard, I know. 2) In order to help with it, I would read and meditate on Scripture. Then, go your way that day knowing that He forgives you. You are trying. 3) Take the Sacrament (Eucharist) at every chance you can, reasonably. You need as much Grace as you can. All Blessings of Our Lord to you!