This might be a bit silly but I just wondered what some opinions were about my possible choices here. I am a member of a regional Australian Anglican parish and I really love the community. I have been a member for three years and over time have been in the choir, done readings at Mass, intercessions, ushering, serving at altar etc. I am currently a member of the parish council and the synod, and am a parochial nominator as well. My problem is our priest. It is a personal/personalty problem, not an institutional or theological one. In the past she has been very supportive of me, and I have enjoyed the novelty of having a female priest, having switched over from the RCC where this is, of course, unheard of. I have no problem with her gender. My problem is with the way she relates to me these days. About three months ago our parish secretary went on holiday and I filled in for her, serving at altar in her place and preparing, printing and distrbuting the pew sheet and hymn sheet (distribution to nursing homes and shut-ins, as well as to the church for Sunday services), taking minutes at council meetings etc. During this time, I worked closely with the priest, more closely than I ever had before. I made some mistakes as, of course, I hadn't done any of this before. The priest was probably used to our secretary's experience and efficiency so it irritated her that I wasn't able to do everything without getting back to her several times for help. When she spoke with me, she seemed abrupt and critical, and I started to feel a lack of self-confidence every time I was around her. This made me feel bad about myself. And then I felt guilty for even feeling bad. I made it through the few weeks while our secretary was away but even after that, it seems that the priest had developed a habit of "speaking down" to me. Over time, I stopped putting my name down for things like serving or ushering or reading etc, just because I didn't want to be close to the priest and end up feeling criticised for something. When we would sit with the other parishioners for coffee/tea after Mass, she would make little digs when she spoke to me - nothing obvious to anyone else, just to me - maybe my imagination? So the thing is that I have moved suburbs and am now closer to a different parish, one that is walking distance to my home. I don't know the community, but I like the priest there and was thinking maybe I should just switch parishes. But the problem is that I am on parish council, synod and am a parochial nominator at my current parish. I could resign all these offices, but that would let down the community. what should I do? I am just running away from the problem, I know, but I am basically an emotional coward. I was thinking of alternating Mass each week, one week at my current parish and the next at the new parish. The priest is due to retire at the end of next year and we will get a new one. Can I make it through until then if I just avoid her? Already she looks at me strangely, as if she has noticed that I am trying to avoid her. I am not the type of person who can speak up or confront someone about their own behaviour, and even if I were, I don't think it's appropriate to criticise the priest and I worry that she will say it is just me and she is not doing any of the things I think she is. Does anyone have any thoughts about this situation? I am probably just being hypersensitive, I know, but I end up feeling bad about myself when I spend any time around her. And who wants that? It is kind of like gaslighting, I just don't know if the problem lies with her or with me. Anyway, just thought I might ask for opinions about whether I should switch parishes or not. To complicate things, I have been discerning the distinctive diaconate for the past year, and will meet with my clergy mentor later this week, but this whole experience has left me lacking in confidence and doubting that I have what it takes to be a deacon after all. And if I need the recommendation of the priest at my current parish, this will certainly make that difficult. Just not coping well right now. Help?
There's a lot to be said for belonging to one's local parish whenever possible, so moving to the one in walking distance seems to me a preferable option. That said, it would be difficult for the current parish if you dropped everything and left - better to phase out gradually and inform your fellows there so they can prepare (and so you can be "transferred" on good terms to the new local church). I don't have much experience with difficult or awkward clergy relations so I can't offer personal advice there. If this a longstanding issue that you can't talk to her about then I suppose her retirement is a blessing of sorts. If speaking with her is too difficult (which I can relate to, as I tend nonconfrontational myself) then try to identify an ally on the council or among the ushers, or in some other social niche where you feel comfortable so you can talk this through with someone who'll listen to you and knows the priest also to give you helpful second opinions.
I sympathize with you on your dilemma. I, personally, would see just how good of a fit the new and closer parish would be. I am sure the current parish you attend would not criticize you if you were to miss a Sunday or three in investigating and observing the closer parish. I have a parish that is closer to me than the one I attend each Sunday. I hesitate to go to the closer one regularly, as I know there is already conflict there within the parish community itself. It seems they cannot keep a priest wanting to serve there. So, I attend the one that is more distant, but has no turmoil. As my wife says, whenever humans are involved, there will be conflict. I am one that is apt to be confrontational in your situation, so I cannot give counsel as to what you should do, being one that is not confrontational. Pray for direction and do possibly speak with someone you relate to within the parish community and run this by them. At least get an opinion or two from others. Sorry for typing so much with so little advice.
I am sorry you are having this difficulty. I know you said you're not the confrontational type, but really I think this could be best approached by sitting down over a beverage with your priest and casually bringing up how you've been feeling. Something along the lines of, "You probably aren't aware of this, but lately I've been feeling some discomfort about the way you've said some things lately..." Relationships do require communication for proper maintenance, be they marital or familial or neighborly or whatever. Talking about one's feelings is really quite safe and socially acceptable, and it's not likely to be perceived as criticism when it is couched in terms of one's feelings. Quite possibly she would gasp and say, "Oh, I had no idea! I am so sorry!" Fences would be mended and behavior would be modified. Then again, there is a slight chance that she might become defensive or have some other negative reaction, which would validate your departure to the other parish post haste, but I truly doubt her reaction would be anything but positive and helpful to your emotional well-being.
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I am meeting with my clergy mentor today, and this will probably come up. Then on Friday I am meeting with the parish chairperson, who know about my problem with the priest already. He suggested we meet to discuss it, so even though I didn't want to make this anyone else's concern, I am friends with this person, so perhaps there will be some benefit to it. As for actually sitting down and speaking with her - the idea terrifies me but perhaps I will be able to work up the courage to do it - just not right now. Maybe in a few weeks, if I can get myself to a point where I don't feel so sensitive about it. I worry not only about her reaction, but about my own if I get defensive too. We will see. One baby step at a time I guess.
I am glad that you are not exploring the transitional diaconate. Priests often find themselves in situations that would terrify you, I suspect. It's a tough job, and few are called & chosen for it.
If I were younger, I probably would, but I have had to face reality and as Dirty Harry would say, I need to know my limitations. Perhaps if I were younger, I wouldn't have experienced such a destruction of my self-confidence over all this either. I used to be able to cope with a lot more things I think. I have had some pretty hairy jobs in the past. My age is still a factor anyway, but the Dean has told me that since I would be non-stipendiary, the decision is made on a much more individual basis. Am I still fit and well enough to do the work involved and does the community support my application etc. So I met with my clergy mentor today (she was appointed by the Dean to help me through the discernment process) and she helped me see what was happening, and gave me some techniques for dealing with the situation. She doesn't think it is time to pack my bags yet, especially as the priest will be retiring at the end of next year. She also said we need to meet more frequently so she can help me monitor the situation and to give me more suggestions about dealing with things. Just being able to talk about things with her has given me a real boost of confidence. I will meet with the parish council chair on Friday just as friend to friend, and I think just knowing that I have some support in the parish community will be a big help. I am going to try to slowly return to some duties and see how that goes. I think I just lost my self-confidence somewhere along the line with all the criticism, and I am hoping I can shore that up again, and still get along with the priest - we will see. Thanks for the help and advice.
Human relationships are complex. The way you feel is based on your own past experiences. The priest in question will also behave based on her own past. It's impossible to say how she feels and to know her intentions. It is easy for all of us to feel slighted by a person when that wasn't their intent. It's a good thing where possible, as Fr Bench wrote, to be an active parishioner in the parish where you now live. You could try it out rather than simply going there and leaving your old parish. You might find yourself jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. If you like the new parish and feel comfortable there you could gradually withdraw yourself from the old parish. Don't have a vague idea of doing that because it'll never happen. Set realsitic goals for withdrawing. Negotiate with your old parish when to give things up. However, don't always go with what they want. They'll probably try to hang on to you so you need to be clear, if you're moving on, about setting times. A friend of mine is a psychologist. She tells me people are often upset about 'endings' but she says they can be healing and set you out in new directions. Don't forget to pray and seek God's guidance.